It sucks. Just last week I was sitting on my couch trying to get some work done and I was suddenly so frustrated. You know that feeling when you want to throw something across the room or break something but instead you burst into tears because it's just too much?
Yeah, that was me. A crying mess, teardrops staining my beautiful tan leather couch. Both Nick and Leroy were staring at me, not really sure if they should console me or be terrified of me.
Earlier this year, I did an Instagram live about my creative process, and I shared that I like to use mantras to help keep my mind focused and on track.
It was one of those moments when I said something in passing, assuming no one would care or even listen to such a tiny detail, and I got a huge response! A bunch of people wanted to know about my mantras. Months later, I STILL get message about this.
I came to this retreat alone, which is something that definitely isn't natural for me, but I am committing keep doing because of a greater purpose. So as I nervously walked up to the icebreaker cocktail hour, I beelined it for the bar to get me some liquid courage.
Then I pushed past the discomfort to start chatting with strangers. Little did I know some of the amazing friendships that would come out of this weekend!
About 3 weeks ago, Nick and I went for a walk in a neighbourhood that we love and have dreamt about living in. As we walked, we dreamed of buying a home in inner city Calgary where we would be able to walk and bike everywhere.
If you follow me on instagram you may have heard my story before. 4 years ago I took the biggest risk of my life.
Yesterday while walking Leroy with my boyfriend I started reflecting on it. I think my exact words were "Holy shit I really just went for it, didn't I? I was so sure of myself. That's the wildest thing I've ever done"
As I sauntered into the gym for the first practice, I stopped by the office door to double check the list. Not really too worried, my eyes scanned that piece of paper fairly quickly, and then again more slowly. My name wasn't on the list.
Learning my thresholds and being able to listen to my body to know what its needs has been tough. I used to push myself past these times thinking that I was weak, or lazy. That some how I needed to 'keep up' with some unrealistic expectation I had set out for myself.
Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react.
I remember seeing this quote as a kid and not really getting it. But the more life unfolds I realize how much my quality of life is controlled by my response to it. Recognizing that what is happening is only a fraction of the equation and the real power is in my response.
It takes courage to come forward. How do I know? Because I have been paralyzed in fear about speaking up.
For many of you this subject may make you feel uncomfortable or even make you cringe that I would share so openly and honestly. I get it. If that’s you and if this is as far as you read, know that’s OK.
The conversation went great, I was proud of myself for speaking truthfully and honestly and into the discomfort instead of assuming, being vague and feeling hurt in the end out of my own lack of communication.
I was hoping to be fully recovered by now and come back better than ever but I'm left feeling a bit raw. It's as if I am seeing everything with new eyes. My perspective has shifted and I am over stimulated with thoughts. My mind is going a million miles an hour in different directions and it won't slow down. It's an amazing place to be in but the newness is uncomfortable and I find myself wanting to rush out of the process. Get back to the comfortable and known.